poke me, prod me. i like it.

FOUNDATIONS IN ACTION 

Yoga Program- BOSTON, 3/18/2011

with Baron Baptiste

Thoughts from Day 1 of the program:

Welcome back to the wonderful world of Baron Baptiste and the prod that somehow makes me feel better. Maybe better is the wrong word, but being prodded, challenged and given a swift kick in the butt makes me step up and feel more in control.

At cause.

Here.

Now.

Me.

I was the first person to speak up tonight and be handed a microphone. I would have never done this when I started this journey five years ago with the Baptiste community. I was way too concerned with looking like I had it all together.  I was way too concerned with looking good. I would not risk looking foolish. I would not risk looking unprepared or without the “right” answers.

On the flip side, I would also not risk looking like that girl  –  you know, the one who raises her hand, participates, and pisses everyone else off with her confident swagger & total immersion in being involved in the moment at hand.  But – really, when the big push comes to the hard shove – I am that girl. I love being that girl.

Embracing BE-ING that girl has brought a lot of good stuff.

When I do not embrace it, trouble inevitably ensues & I am left feeling out of whack.

The question posed by Baron tonight: “Why are you here?”

I raised my hand, stood up, microphone in hand and said to the group of 200+: "I am here to plug in, to recharge . . . I have been coasting.” 

Baron asked: “In your practice? In your teaching? In your relationships? Where?”

I answered truthfully: “Pretty much across the board.”

The group collectively chuckled.

Then Baron asked if this spoke to anyone else and more than half the room raised their hands.

“You are either a shining example or a warning.” –Baron Baptiste.

Tonight after speaking I had several people comment on my shared comment in a "YES! Me too!" kinda way or to simply say thanks in one way or another. I also had a woman tell me I was brave – which seemed a bit over the top and made me slightly uncomfortable, because I do not equate this sharing to bravery at all. But I am not her and I guess your view depends on your vantage point. I told her that if I want to get the most out of my time here – I have to participate (and what better time than right away?)

I found that lesson out in the Level I Teacher Training I did in 2007. I was hesitant and held back those first few days. I don’t think I ever fully participated as I could have, but I learned this about myself and I felt like after getting SO MUCH from the middle-of-the-road participation I did do, that I cheated myself out of more. I hate regrets.

Today was the first toe in the water of this program. Practice was good & intense, but not the crazy killer **BARONHASLOSTHISMIND** kinda of practice that sometimes kicks off his programs.  

I feel like that’s going to happen tomorrow morning.

Of course this is me having expectations – which I really need to stop doing, (but that’s a whole other entry).

Tonight during practice I tuned out more times than I would like to admit, even though the focus of the practice was observation. How can I observe when I am reliving a memory? What can I observe when stuck so far down a trail of thoughts I do not remember the origin? Or if I am just plain zoned out? Where do I go?

Better yet – when I realize my misstep I spend a good amount of time internally berating myself for falling off the wagon.  Stellar moves, all around.

Baron said tonight:

“You know what all of your problems are?

You talk to yourself..."

The punch-line:

"...AND YOU LISTEN.“

The second punch-line:

“Then it just gets weird from there.”

Touché Mr. Baptiste. Touché.

INTIMIDATING

It’s a word that has been used to describe yours truly on too many occasions throughout my life than I would care to remember. I am aware that even relaying this fact may sound self-serving or egotistical, and thus to some, possibly even intimidating but that is a risk I am willing to take. Honestly, I have decided I am over caring how it sounds. I am putting it out there. The “you are intimidating” factor is a reoccurring issue in my various worlds. It came up again recently - and the consequence is this very post you are reading.



Being told you are intimidating is not meant as a compliment, but rather a flaw or problem. More accurately in my lens, it is a perceived flaw, which I’ve been told in a variety of ways I need to fix in order to make others more comfortable. It’s kind of like being told, “you kick ass,” while being told, “don’t kick ass” at the exact same time. Or perhaps, “you kick a little too much ass.” The tone is a base level: “kick ass under the radar.” Do it quietly and politely - no one has to be the wiser. Kick ass with a side of sugar.



Why would I want do that?



I honestly do not know. I mean, I can cognitively understand the politically correct answer and I know the benefits to doing this. But isn’t that just being fake and completely inauthentic? Did I mention how much I loathe fake communication and politically correct bullshit?






Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. 






It’s probably intimidating. 








Alas, here I am:

I am uncomfortable pretending to think or feel otherwise from my present thought or emotion. I’m sensitive, bold at times, opinionated, unsure as much as the next person, sensual and full of equal parts fire & water. I enjoy my own company, feel alone often, care, think rationally but intuitively make most decisions, cry, stand up for myself, want to be paid for the work I do, am constantly searching, want real only, question the reasoning behind decisions often, do not have all the answers, love big, make mistakes often, and cannot pretend to be something that I am not. Apparently all of this = intimidating.




And the intimidating girl said: "I think that conclusion sucks."

I AM IN BED WITH . . .

Procrastination. 

Often. 

…Probably more than I would like to admit to anyone.

It's like a dirty secret I have because I believe I am:

(a) not thought of as a procrastinator

   &

(b) damn good at hiding my procrastination due to the fact that when push comes to shove I always get things done. 

So, basically this means I am a highly successful procrastinator.

However, it plagues me. It ruins my free time. It makes it hard for me to sleep sometimes. It kind of makes me feel like a mini-failure at times, (i.e. "Really -- I can't beat this character flaw?"). Procrastination comes in the form of things so small as listening to my voicemail (I think that it just takes too long), or putting the dishes actually IN the dishwasher (hello lazy); to larger projects like the beautiful crystal pendant light fixture that has been sitting on the floor in various rooms of my apartment now for a good six months. Maybe seven. I have justifications for all of these hold-ups. I have really good ones too. I have sometimes almost convinced myself that my reasons are valid.

[Side note to my husband if he is reading this: I seem to be able to even beat myself at a debate. Hmmmm...]

Does anyone else experience procrastination as an everyday or frequent occurrence? How do you move past it & not justify the hold-ups? How do you beat procrastination into a little bloody pulp? Seriously . . .  how can I beat this? 

Jan 15th, end of an era/starting fresh.

This blog post is the end of an era: what will life bring me?

It is the start of a new chapter: make it happen.



Maybe you are a little like me? I am aware and open to whatever opportunities life brings. I walk through the french doors that beckon on a consistent basis. I am grateful for what falls into my lap. I take advantage of the people, relationships, experiences and successes that are at my fingertips and do the best that I can with these on a daily basis. Sounds good right? 

But something is not right. Intuitively I feel this. It feels a bit like gray; like heavy bags; the morning after too much wine; taking a spin class after a milkshake and so on.
In other words not: good, happy or light.



Truth time, I have not been breaking down any doors. I have not been going after a great and lofty goal with passion, persistence and perseverance. I have been coasting a bit. The ride has been really great, so the complacency comes easily and does not feel awful.



Once I acknowledged this anti-force going on 

- this resistance to greatness - 

I cannot ignore it. And so I am starting fresh. 

I am moving out of my comfort zone. 

And the first kick in the ass is to start a blog. 

And...

GO.